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Placid Flaccid

Placid Flaccid

Do you remember the 1989 Porsche ad which went; “Small Penis? Have I got a car for you.” I don’t remember the ad, but some people swear that it did run. Either way, it is a great ad, because it hits the button, based on the belief that those with small penises overcompensate by buying exotic sports cars.

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Lack of self-esteem and a deficiency in the trouser department are clearly the drivers in some people’s purchasing decisions when it comes to cars, and people have joked for decades that guys who drive luxury or sports cars have a small penis. True? The UK Daily Mail says yes.

I quote from their website, “in a survey conducted in 2014, researchers asked luxury and sports car owners if they considered their manhood to be large, small, or about average. According to the results, 30 per cent said their manhood was larger than average, 63 per cent described theirs as average and 7 per cent said smaller than average. Interestingly, researchers then asked partners of those who owned luxury and sports cars how they rated their other half. Contradicting the males' results, 12 per cent of women said their partners were larger than average, 46 per cent said average - and a staggering 42 per cent revealed they were smaller than average.” So there you have it. Next time a guy comes screaming past you in a Porsche, or Ferrari, or Lamborghini, the odds are that he is overcompensating, and when he stops at the robot, and looks at the penis enlargement ads, he is taking note of the number.

My interest was piqued when the South African Guild of Motoring Journalists named the Porsche Boxster as the 2013 South African Car of the Year, because in reality not many people can afford a Porsche, so making it Car of the Year was sort of senseless. Oh well, I thought, it was just an aberration. But the next year the Porsche Cayman took the honours. Now I was more than interested, and started to wonder about the jury’s phallic credentials. Then boom, the 2015 Car of the Year was the Porsche Macan! No more wondering, the jury was no longer out, or more accurately, the jury could not put out.

The good news for the 2016 Car of the Year competition is that the semi-finalists do not include a Porsche, so wiser heads have prevailed, or more accurately the sponsors have had enough, and the little big boys will have to indulge themselves in another way. Penis pumps, guys?

To take this discussion further, let us now have a look at a new phenomenon, which is the big brutish SUV’s or double cabs that are ratcheting up their sales. This is the Porsche substitute for the modern urban warrior. And the urban warrior is clearly coming up short. For example, the other day I was in the left hand lane of a double lane road with lane markings indicating that I could go straight or turn left. The problem was that I was going straight, and the robot went amber, with the robot also having an arrow to the left showing green. Being a first world driver, I stopped at the robot (isn’t that what we were taught to do?). Behind me was a big black brutish Land Rover Discovery, with the driver hooting and gesticulating wildly, and with me having nowhere to go, he swung his massive vehicle into the right lane, performing a taxi like manoeuvre as he cut in front of me to go left. By the time he cut in front of me, the lights had gone green, and I was already starting to move, but fortunately I have gone on defensive driving courses, so I was anticipating, and thus avoided an accident.

I had a good look at his face as he drove past me, and it was distorted in rage. I’ve subsequently timed this left arrow, and it is seven to eight seconds. To go into a rage for losing less than 10 seconds???? And I was not doing anything wrong. How does this guy behave when he is stuck in real Joburg traffic? He was a black dude, so upon reflection, there’s another theory straight out the window!

And finally, what if I buy that Mustang?

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