Last Writes

by Baron Claude Borlz

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice. #2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit. #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off. #4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work. #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.” #6 - “On time” is when you get there. #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound. #8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller! #9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you. #10 - Growing old should have taken longer. #11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up. #12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will. #13 - OLD' IS WHEN...  Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. #14 - OLD' IS WHEN...  A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. #15 - OLD' IS WHEN...  You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. #16 - OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. #17 - OLD' IS WHEN...Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today. #18 - OLD' IS WHEN...Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. #19 - OLD' IS WHEN...An 'all-nighter' means not getting   up to use the bathroom. #20 - OLD' IS WHEN....You are not sure these are jokes.

Just have to love Seniors...

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile. The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!"

Signs of the Times

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER: We will heel you, we will save your sole, we will even dye for you. A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK: Blind man driving. SIGN OVER A GYNAECOLOGIST’S OFFICE: Dr Jones, at your cervix. IN A PODIATRIST’S OFFICE: Time wounds all heels. ON A SEPTIC TANK TRUCK: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels. AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE: If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place. ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK: We repair what your husband fixed. ON ANOTHER PLUMBER’S TRUCK: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. At A TYRE SHOP in MILWAUKEE: Invite us to your next blowout. ON AN ELECTRICIAN’S TRUCK: Let us remove your shorts. IN A NON-SMOKING AREA: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action. ON A MATERNITY ROOM DOOR: Push. Push. Push. AT A CAR DEALERSHIP: The best way to get back on your feet … miss a car payment. OUTSIDE A MUFFLER SHOP: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. IN A VETERINARIAN’S WAITING ROOM: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time… However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted. IN A RESTAURANT WINDOW: Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up. IN THE FRONT OF A FUNERAL HOME: Drive carefully. We'll wait. AT A PROPANE FILLING STATION: Thank Heaven for little grills. IN A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: Best place in town to take a leak. And the best one for last; SIGN ON THE BACK OF ANOTHER SEPTIC TANK: Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promise.