Last Writes: Skande Skinder from the UK

By Baron Claude Borlz

Ever since the first issue of aBr, Baron Claude Borlz has been dishing out his unique sense of humour, catering for aBr’s more discerning readers, who to the man, and woman, have enjoyed his take on life, and his words in action that sometimes went below the belt.

So much so, that Last Writes enjoyed a loyal following. To celebrate his decade and a half of taking the piss, we give our more discerning readers two pages of belts removed, and no holds barred:

Skande Skinder from the UK

  • I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedo" and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 20 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
  • My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vestas matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
  • I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen; ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
  • Last night I heard a voice from the kitchen; 'what would you like for dinner; chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup; I was talking to the cat!’
  • Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham
  • I was in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouted, 'That's just for starters!’
  • Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

Some totally useless, yet amusing trivia about critters:

  • A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!)
  • A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
  • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
  • The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  • The catfish has over 27 000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  • Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
  • Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
  • Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
  • A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
  • Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)
  • Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.)
  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
  • Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig)

Medical Miracles

Simphiwe was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Simphiwe. Can't you learn anything? One day Simphiwe's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Simphiwe's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of the Free State, relocating to Johannesburg. Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Milpark Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw that Simphiwe, now the cleaner at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner. If you thought that Simphiwe had become a heart surgeon, there is a good chance you're going to vote for the ANC and their National Health Plan.

Words of Wisdom

Talking about that distinguished organisation known as the ANC, how about this pithy statement that I received clandestinely from a reader at the recent Automechanika Johannesburg: Italians have the mafia – South Africa has the ANC government.

Continental Divide

A Mexican was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond recently when he used the word "mañana" (pronounced "manyana"). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who really cares?" The host turned to a Rhodesian/Zimbabwean man who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in his home language. He replied: In Africa we do not have a word to describe that degree of urgency.

Short and Sweet

At the top and below, two cartoons that do not need much explaining (if you’re South African, with an IQ above 67).